Back Bench Food Products 2

Note: This is the second in a series of reviews covering Back Bench Food Products. If you have not done so, go back and read the first.

Back to Big Lots!


Since the "Summer of Recovery" is more sizzle than steak, it is time to head back to Big Lots! where seriously cheap (but usually interesting) food can be had.

Canned Mackerel


Gelatinous Fish Parts Gelatinous Fish PartsWhy on Earth would you ever buy canned fish? That is, assuming you are not a cat or a retiree trying to make ends meet on the government lottery known as Social Security. The good news is that Canned Mackerel is cheaper than fresh fish and the bones become soft and edible, boosting calcium content. And we all know how much grandma needs her hip bone calcium. Here's a serving suggestion: Serve it with a nice side of Prepared Cabbage, and you have a meal fit for a hungry Norwegian. Mmm, mmm. How's that sound, Olaf? (Note: Olaf is the bass player for Scandinavian Death Metal band, Ruptured Disk and this is his favorite breakfast dish.)
Now With Apples Now With Apples

Gorilla Munch


After a trip that took them deep in the the Rwandan jungles, The Envirokidz were met with the plight of the Silver Backed Gorillas and their gluten allergies. Sad gorilla babies living in squalor, surrounded by boxes of Kix and Cheerios as far as the eye could see. The Kidz said, "No more!"

Move over, Purina Monkey Chow! The King of The Apes has a brand new breakfast cereal. For a limited time only, get your Dian Fossey action figures in specially marked boxes.
Gorilla's Choice Gorilla

Crayons Sports Drink


Knowing that a percentage of "special" kids in the population will always eat Crayons (paste too if they can get their hands on it), clever marketers have created a sports drink for the Ralph Wiggums of the world.

Fortunately, we only see red and green depicted here. Burnt Sienna, a fancy way of saying brown, was simply too revolting to share.
Warning: May Contain Red Dye #5, 6, 9, and 33 Warning: May Contain Red Dye #5, 6, 9, and 33

Function: Light Weight


Any self-respecting computer programmer wouldn't be caught dead drinking Crystal Light. Introducing, Function: Light Weight- created by physicians for technicians. Geeks need to look chic too. Am I right, ladies? These fruity little boosts of metabolism can best be expressed in the form of of function.

function LightWeight() {
var supported = ass.reinforced && steel.chair;
if (!supported) return;
// consider joining a gym
var x = body.mass.index('lard');
// seriously, just keep drinking mountain dew and eating slim jims
}

Buy a case today and after you drop all that cottage cheese hanging off your I/O Port, we'll show you which well drinks work best to remove the pepper spray from your eyes.
All Your Metabolism Are Belong To Us All Your Metabolism Are Belong To Us

Essential M


According to the people who make supplements, we're all not getting enough Vitamin M. Or maybe it was Vitamin B.
I can't remember. See how deficient I am? According to the Urban Dictionary, Vitamin M is either Motrin, marijuana, money, or mercury (Hg) - the infamous vaccine adulterant.

Whoa. Pass the milk and put on your seat belt.
Essential M Rice Cereal Essential M Rice Cereal

Jolly Rancher Soda


The bold fruity flavors of Jolly Rancher Candy is now available in a great tasting 20 oz soda in all your favorite flavors: Green Apple, Blue Raspberry, Cinammon Cherry Fire, Watermelon, and Rockin' Hi-Früktose.

The soda truly smells and tastes like Jolly Rancher Candy. All you have to do is taste it and you'll be hooked - like a diabetic to insulin. Also available at Dollar General, US Chemical Supply Warehouse, and finer flea markets everywhere.
Warning: Severe Tooth Loss May Occur Warning: Severe Tooth Loss May Occur


Cool Margarita Cocktail


According to the label, you just add tequila and shake. I wonder just how many of us became parents following such sage advice. What's strange about this product, which appears to be a brand of Big Lots!*, is that it shows a frozen margarita on the label but nowhere on the product is ice even mentioned. How freakin' cool is that? I don't know about you, but this cool cat just found a permanent spot in my lunch pail.
So Cool It Doesn't Need Ice So Cool It Doesn

* Hey, Big Lots! The Home Depot called and they want you to stop using the 2002 version of their website.

SEAO2


It would appear that nobody in the marketing department of this particular product's maker has ever set foot in a chemistry class. The name is nonsensical at best, and may frighten some of the smarter population into thinking the name of this energy drink starts with Sulphur and ends in Dioxide.

Speaking of frightening, get a load of this:


Ingredients: water, organic agave sweetener, organic inulin fiber, organic natural flavor, citric acid, seaweed extract, ascorbic acid, salt, vitamin B6.


Well, that sounds delish. I have a can right here. Let's give this a try.

Hmm. The first thing I noticed was the lack of carbonation (aren't all energy drinks required by law to be carbonated?) and the remarkably spot-on taste of Pez. Overall, not bad. But not worth the $29.99 per 12-pack they are asking for online. (Psst. I just paid $.50 a can for your sea water. Wait. That makes me look bad.)
Refreshing Seawater Refreshing Seawater

Author's Note: I am not feeling fine after drinking the SEAO2 drink. I mean, the Crayons stuff was like watered down Gatorade and almost pleasant. Right now, I am feeling anxious, shaky and more than strange. Buyer beware.

Red White & Blue Tortillas


Ever wonder what Sarah Palin serves with backyard BBQ? Mystery solved. Blech.
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